Identity Crisis
Going back and forth (*6yrs after Kundalini Awakening, living with the energy), Catching Covid
Identity Crisis 3
It's been 3 weeks already since I started to experience "again" this weird feeling of emptiness. This feeling of "life has no meaning"... I already experienced this period before and I know this is a part of the kundalini awakening and the soul's journey through brutal disillusionment... I was in a dark pit again or in better words: in an “empty” pit. I became a deeper observer, detached from the whole human thing that everyone has going on.
But this time watching the others going about their day and maintaining their lives big or small just to return to their Netflix later and the seductive pleasures that dictate the standards of life as a human became even more unnerving... Everything is diluted, people are zombified and hooked to the system... I can not help but question where we are going as humanity.
In stores, I watched the crowds aimlessly purchasing items of no value, unconsciously shopping for poisonous food, hunting for booz in the offer so they can numb themselves, I watched the BBQ items flooding their shopping cart, I listened to the mundane talks and excitement of the upcoming holidays filled the air... Online, I have been watching how people share themselves in a very peculiar way, influenced by this weird TikTok trend and are riding the forever-changing beast of the internet with instant gratification providing little or no value, the endless hunt after money, being seen & recognised and the constant dopamine rush...
Covid
When we caught Covid some major part of me was lost. I spent 4 days in fever and lost completely my ability to feel, my chakras got compromised for some reason, and my mind was foggy. I lost my sense of taste and smell. I was fasting mainly because there was no drive to eat nor drink anything but water. I couldn't meditate either, my nose was blocked, the heaviness on my chest felt like a 100kg stone, and I lost the drive for life because suddenly the last few things that were still part of my humanness fell off. I didn't realise how huge the attachment to what we put into our mouths really is.
Suddenly everything was taken away from me. My yogic practices, meditation, breath work, food, coffee, sugar, and all remaining pleasures that I still have kept and that made me feel like a human simply disappeared. I didn't feel like reading or listening to my favourite spiritual teachers or conscious shows on youtube, suddenly everything lost its meaning again and I felt empty like never before. I entered one of those identity crises that are described in the spiritual books and I kept asking myself again and again how the heck I will live from now on, with this awareness, with this consciousness...
What I got though, was "presence". I became truly observant. All I did those days was constantly witnessing myself feeling empty, feeling the compulsions of the body, its "wants", its screams & frustrations... Its desire for the distractions, the thoughts, the mental activity that was pulling me either into the past or future, the fight of the Ego, the fear of the mind while being static... I was observing everything in my reality with absolute detachment, I became cold and expressionless. Every day I woke up and asked myself a question: "Now, what?" There was no desire, there was only me standing in the field where everything was happening, without any expression, without joy. I always had dreams that I didn't manage to fulfil and now I find it meaningless to even try, I know that there is nothing that can make one happy. Happiness is a funny thing. I never really understood what it means. For me, I either feel fully alive or not. When I feel alive it’s more than feeling happy, it’s a blast but involves different things than what people usually need to feel happy.
When you enter the identity crisis you feel more dead than alive, so obviously world becomes a dark pit and you lose the magic, the synchronicities disappear, your ego starts to panic etc. but it’s a good thing because you come out of it completely changed. That is where usually Ego Death happens, and it happens not just once. It’s an repeated phenomena falling into this metamorphoses pit.
My daughter said that her brain changed, and I must agree with this. We changed. I can clearly see that this disease had a major impact on my life and therefore on the life of those living in my reality. I started to see how disconnected we are from each other, how we all function as solo units in the group they call family. I felt even more lonely than I ever felt before and all that I was searching for love, joy and happiness simply doesn't exist without or can not be fulfilled by others or by anything external.
I have been observing a lot my daughter and her bubbly nature and how she is going about her day and what lights her up, the conclusion I made is that what I am looking for lies in creative expression, and the simplicity of being like a child, curious, open and creative, to create more magic in our days by simply letting the structure that is alive deliver and guide me through this and to show me that not everything is lost, to show me that there is indeed a spark of magic that is present in any given moment and it is available to me if I choose to see it, the joy is there. I realised that this is a point in my life when I have to lay down a new foundation for my newly gained consciousness and that I have to align my life with it.
I realised that I entered a new phase of my life. Covid was a catalyst.
You most likely heard about turning 42. When you turn 42 you are no longer interested in the experiences like those that are in their 30’s - 40’s. You (*if you are conscious for quite some time) are in a new phase of integrating the past experiences, you at that age (*if you are conscious!) are more aware than others that are younger (most likely), you are becoming wiser. You have wisdom and a whole new consciousness after you integrated all the traumas, struggle and hardship from the past especially if you have been deliberately working on yourself. You turn it all into wisdom. If your awareness is high enough this integration will happen fast.
- So if you are in that pit right now don’t be afraid, you will come out of it as a whole new person…